What to Say (and Not Say) to a Student Who’s Having a Hard Time — A Teacher’s Guide
One of the most frequent questions I get asked by teachers is about how to have better conversations with a student who might not being doing so well in that moment. What do I mean by that? Perhaps its showing up academically (probably easier to start that conversation), or maybe its more nuanced and reflected in a subtle shift in their emotional state. Something’s ‘off’. But what? And how do we have this conversation?
5 easy steps to having better conversations with a student who might be struggling.
You want to check in. But part of you hesitates. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make it worse? And with everything else on your plate, it’s easy to let the moment pass. But that moment might be the one that matters most. The important thing to remember is that you don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to be a mental health expert or be trained as a therapist. You just need to be calm, kind, and willing to listen. I’ve put this guide together to help with that.
Simple ways to show up when it counts, without pressure, scripts, or second-guessing.
Step 1: Notice without judging
This step is about your internal lens and how you observe and interpret what you’re seeing. It’s the moment before you speak. The key here is to get curious, not clinical. Instead of jumping to conclusions (“They’re anxious,” “They’re being moody”), pay attention to specific, observable behaviours.
✅ “They’ve missed three deadlines.”
✅ “They haven’t spoken in class all week.”
❌ “They’re being dramatic.”
❌ “They’re just lazy.”
💡 Stick to specific behaviours, not labels.
Step 2: Make space, not pressure
Once you've noticed something, choose your moment with care. Privacy and timing matter. Are they about to rush to another class? Are you? Are you both in a headspace to talk?
Be intentional: find a quiet moment, a calm space, and then open the door to conversation, gently.
Avoid loaded questions like:
❌ “Are you okay?”
❌ “What’s wrong with you?”
Instead, offer open, low-pressure invitations:
✅ “Can we take a minute to chat? I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a bit off this week.”
✅ “You’ve been on my radar lately. I’ve seen a shift and just wanted to check in.”
💡 It’s okay if they don’t open up right away. The most important thing is that they feel safe, not cornered.
Step 3: Listen without fixing
When a student opens up, don’t jump into solutions or comparisons. And yup, I know… this is often the hard one because as teachers, we’re always so primed to be problem-solvers and offer solutions. But this is the moment for you to embrace the ‘power of the pause’ and both create and then hold space.
Say things like:
✅ “That sounds really tough. Thanks for telling me.”
✅ “I’m really glad you shared that.”
✅ “Thank you for trusting me with that.”
Avoid saying:
❌ “That happened to me too…”
❌ “You’ll be fine, just stay positive.”
❌ “Chin up. It could be worse.”
💡 Let silence happen. Just stay present. And don’t make it about you and your experiences.
Sitting in silence for a few moments won’t hurt, and will often become an opportunity for the young person to share more, if they feel comfortable to do so.
STEP 4: Offer a next step, together
Again, another challenging thing to do for many teachers, but we have to metaphorically sit on our hands here. Whatever their problem is, you don’t need to solve it. I’ll write that again: you don’t need to solve it — just help them take the next step.
Try:
“Would you be okay if we talked to [name] together?”
“We don’t have to figure everything out now, but I can stay with you while we do the next bit.”
💡 Use words like “with you” — it feels safer than “you should.”
STEP 5: Follow up (gently)
A day or two later, check in. Not to pry but just to let them know you meant it.
Say:
“Just checking in. How’s your week been?”
“You’ve been on my mind since our chat. Hope things feel a bit lighter.”
💡 The follow-up is often what builds trust.
You don’t need all of the answers
I’ve already emphasised this but I can’t stress it enough: you don’t need all of the answers. And you are not a therapist (unless of course, you are!). You just need to show up. Calmly, non-judgmentally, and with the kind of presence that tells a student: you matter here.
To Recap
Notice without judging
Make space, not pressure
Listen without fixing
Make a plan together
Follow up
Want a Bit More?
I’ve created a handy one-page guide with more phrases, prompts, and tips to help you have these conversations confidently, clearly, and without pressure. Whether you keep it in your drawer or pin it in the staff room, it’s there for when the moment comes. Or why not forward it to your teaching colleagues to help them have better conversations, too?
Getting trained in MHFA is also a great way to boost your knowledge, skills and confidence in this area, too.
